Drink and eat and roister all day: Ad Watch

Sometimes I watch TV. It's not often, but it's usually on a Friday evening while I'm slumped on the sofa, after a week's worth of work has rendered me into a slathering, monosyllabic husk, yearning for the sweet, welcome embrace of oblivion. In short: thinking bad, TV good.

And sometimes, in the 5 minutes or so between Friends or whatever it is I have on whilst I wait for the oven to heat up, an advert will catch my eye.

Or, in this particular case, quite literally, it is the eyes which will catch me. Confused? You will be.

The latest Vision Express ads are, frankly, terrifying. Maybe this is just me, but personally I find suddenly being confronted by a mass of people with GIANT EYES FOR HEADS somewhat unsettling. What is even more unsettling is how they move, creating a weird, almost hypnotic undulating motion as they turn their heads - I'm sorry I mean GIANT EYES, did I mention that already? - one way, then the other, with sharp, military-like precision.

As if this isn't surreal enough, the movements of the giant eye head people are accompanied by what sounds like marching, which suggests that this crazed brutal eye army, which looks like it is made up of Lord Sauron's satanic underlings, is coming for you, yes YOU, and there will be nowhere to hide because their GIANT EYES see everything!

To top it all off, there is a voiceover of a woman, plain and unremarkable enough, but it is free of any emotional inflection. No hint of nudge-wink jollity or reassurance to entice the customer, no no, that would be too boring, too conventional. 'Visit Vision Express today, or book an eye test online at VisionExpress.com,' she says in that expressionless monotone, but as I cower and sink further down into the depths of the sofa, I find myself thinking, '...or what???'

See for yourself, and tell me if you think I'm being an absolute fruitloop: