Cher Lloyd - New Single

So Cher Lloyd, the outspoken teen ‘gangsta’ from last year’s X-Factor who pretty much polarised viewer opinion, has finally released her first single under the monolithic and possibly evil “Simco Limited” label. If I said I’d been waiting anxiously with bated breath to see how little Cher would reinvigorate the British teen music scene with her cool rapping and fresh hip hop flava, I’d be lying. I haven’t. And I didn’t have any particularly strong opinions on her during X-Factor either. But here it is:

First impressions? Oh dear. It’s a desperately narcissistic and, frankly, embarrassing offering.

“You can't stop clickin 'bout me, writin' 'bout me, tweeting 'bout me,” she insists, swagerringly, à la Gwen Stefani in “Hollaback Girl” or Fergie in “Fergalicious”, with a smidgen of ‘I really want to be Nicki Minaj’; then later, with supreme self-assurance she further insists, “You can't stop youtubing me, on repeat, running this beat.” Erm… I haven’t even started, luv, let alone stop.

And then there’s the awful sampling of the American western folk ballad “Oh My Darling Clementine.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzCSTMWix3g) Who came up with that gem of an idea?

Another ‘why’ is her hair. She looks like she suddenly decided that her new style icon was going to be Chewbacca. Look! They could practically be style sisters:

And then there’s the title: “Swagger Jagger”. What does that even mean? IT MAKES NO SENSE. It seems that Urban Dictionary have got it right with their definition: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swagger%20jagger

To conclude, I did not have particularly strong opinions on Ms Lloyd before, but I can’t help but come out there and say, with supreme self-assurance, that I think this single is pants.

Your thoughts?

x-rated factor total smackdown: rihanna vs christina aguilera

Ah, another year, another X Factor winner. But am I the only one still reeling from the complete flesh fest that was Saturday's semi-finals? May not have been the only semi in evidence given all the brazen nakedness and blatant bum wiggling on show.

The fun and games began with Matt's celebrity duet. I was snorting into my G&T as he resorted to gnawing off his own hand when Rihanna came on stage. I don't blame him though, poor chap, he was probably ruminating on how terribly embarassing it would be to get too visibly excited on live television in front of 15 million people.

I don't think it's possible for a slit to get any higher, is it?

And then Christina Aguilera and Rebecca's duet... bloody hell. Poor, poor Rebecca. Throughout, Christina's round face exhibited little more than bored disdain. She warbled and showboated her way through it with all the grace and enthusiasm of... hmm... my parents, back in the day, when I insisted they dragged themselves out of bed at 7am on a Saturday morning to take me to a hockey match in the freezing cold. A sort of stony-faced martyrdom, punctuated by the weary sigh of obligation.

If a thought bubble were to have somehow magically appeared over her head as she stalked her way unsmiling off the stage, it may have said something like this: "Oh God, look at what my life has become. I used to be big, man, so big. I was bigger than Britney! Now I just have a big face, and even bigger boobs. And here I am singing with this provincial, unintelligible nobody on some crappy reality TV show. I better start taking some more clothes off, eh."

That she did, but not before Rihanna, who cast aside a slinky floor-length dressing gown to reveal an outift consisting solely of a strapless bra and a pair of pants:



My eyes! Nice booty though, Rihanna, I ain't gonna argue with that.

Not to be outdone by any young upstart, however, Christina returned to stake her claim on the realm of unashamed sluttiness with this number from her new film Burlesque:



Bloody 'ell. Those dancers didn't leave much to the imagination, and what is it with all the mad hair flinging?? I'm not a prude, but it did all seem a bit unneccessary for Saturday night pre-watershed telly. It's also a sad state of affairs that someone with such a stonking vocal talent as Christina Aguilera feels like she has to resort to getting her jubblies out on national television to justify her ongoing career. And is that tactic really working anyway? I don't really remember her latest album, Bionic, ever being released... do you? Here's one of the two singles, 'Not Myself Tonight', which features Xtina in skintight PVC, complete with weaponised stiletto heels and whip:



Hmm. Anyways, I guess, if nothing else, Saturday's skin spectacle may have given all those dutiful, self-sacrificing boyfriends and husbands (and mebbe some girlfriends and wives) a little something to enjoy.